solutions

Here's what I want to work on: problem solving. Those two words have so many triggers for me. I see them and think, "I can't solve problems. I don't know how. It's really important and I'll fuck it up and look stupid. And I must be stupid because it's supposed to be easy."

Wow! That's more than I thought would be in there. I'm good at speculating on a problem's roots, but at some point I think I have to start looking for solutions or I'll just go crazy thinking about the massive momentum that a problem has built up in my mind over the years.

I'm trying to train myself to look for ways to change things. If I'm not happy with something, what can I do right now that makes a difference? I have a feeling that there are always options open to me, but I ignore them because I'm afraid of looking stupid.

little steps

The thing I seem to be most lacking in all of this is some sort of skill for actual self improvement. The will to change, right? Real, concrete steps to change hurtful, distancing behaviors into something I can be proud of.

It might seem obvious to everyone else, but I'm only just realizing that I need to know what my goal is if I'm ever going to get there. I'm thinking I should be able to answer this question, because it's me right? I should know. And I think I do, but I write myself off by saying that I don't know and then doing a big thing about why I don't know. And that wastes time and distracts me.

I am very unwilling to say what I know. I know I want equality in my relationships. I know I want sexual fulfillment. I want creativity in my life. I want honesty. I want to be loved and to be loving. And I guess now I just have to act that way.

who cares?

Sarah takes care of the plants in our house. My only real job has been to carry the one enormous jade plant to the shower every two or three weeks. Obviously, I benefit from having attractive and healthy plants around. They can really tie a room together.

There are a number of similar instances in my life where I avoid work by claiming not to care about the result but then reap the rewards of another person's labour. I don't really seem to get it about an equal division of work.

I pretty much demand that any work I do around the house is met with an equal amount from Sarah, yet I continue to ignore whole realms of labour, especially things that are fun (potting plants, for example) and even more so things like planning, communicating and basically maintaining the relationship. All that stuff is a lot of work and I do a very small fraction of it.

I feel trained as a man not to care about my surroundings, to be self-reliant, a term that strikes me as hilarious right now considering that the amount of independence I feel is equal to my level of numbness and ignorance of my feelings. It's easy to meet your needs when you don't appear to have any. I'm completely unable to rely on myself because so often I don't even know myself.

I'm worried that the last part doesn't make any sense.

progress

Last night I actually noticed and was the first to say something about my patriarchal behavior! Miracle of miracles!

Sarah and I had been talking about packing up some magazines to get rid of and she'd been very clear about her concerns regarding their weight and protecting them from rain. And then not ten minutes later I'm just stuffing them into bags and not even thinking to ask her what she had in mind. And I actually noticed it while it was happening and said something. Usually Sarah has to notice it and then I get all defensive and it takes me an hour to admit that I didn't listen to her. Which is pretty fun for both of us.

It feels like a very small bit of progress.

hitting a bit of a wall

I'm feeling like this is where I'd normally stop writing, declare that I've done enough and have reached the limits of self improvement. I'm scared of what it's really going to take to dismantle patriarchy in my life.

All of a sudden it seems like so much work. I thought that if I simply stated my intentions the work would just get done. Ha ha ha ha ha haha hahah hahah hhaaaah ha ha ha haa .......?

I'm realizing how much work other people do for me. It's a shitload. Of work. But this is kind of cool because once I realize that somebody's doing the work, it's easier to see myself doing the work.

the weekend

I'm feeling very out of focus this morning.

I need some sort of reminder to be myself. I spent all weekend being quiet and ignoring things because I was afraid of looking weird while visiting Sarah's family. Maybe I just need to ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

They could think that I'm judging them. Then they would resent me. But they wouldn't say anything. And the visit would be miserable. Or I could just be miserable by myself.

How many times will I come to the conclusion that it's better to just be present and honest with my feelings instead of forestalling some terrible imagined outcome?

it's my birthday

So I'm taking a day off.