When I say "part gay"...

I mean that I'm sexually attracted to men and women. I guess that means I am, in the parlance of our times, bisexual, but I'm not crazy about that term. I don't really like its either/or connotations, and it feels clinical and unimaginative. I like the idea of being able to invent your own gender and just be whatever you are. So I say I'm part gay. I also like the word queer. Or gender-fluid, which I recently learned from Sarah.

Part gay also just sounds kind of funny, and I find it's easier to start a conversation with, "Did you know that I'm part gay?" than "Did you know that I'm bisexual?" Sarah suggested it was because I'm charming and pretty good at making people feel comfortable in social situations. I guess part gay is pretty vague and people can either find out more from me or keep it at whatever distance feels okay to them. I don't know. Bisexual leaves less to the imagination, I suppose.

I often use vagueness as a strategy to avoid looking at unflattering things about myself, a fact unsurprisingly brought to my attention by Sarah. I can see this at work in my half baked gender identity and politics. I'm embarrassed of not having everything sorted out, so instead of just saying something I believe right now and giving myself permission to change it later, I couch everything in language that's not specific. Better to not say anything than to say it "wrong." So I guess my goal is to speak more specifically.

blogging is messy

Hello! I haven't written for a long time. Many reasons not to write, though fear and shame are probably my primary motivators. I now give myself permission to write messy, incoherent, rambling, embarrassing, perverted, gay, uncool... writing.

I hope that my writing connects with other folks. I hope that writing helps me start more real-life conversations about things I care about.

So! For a long time I've been telling myself that I deserve a miserable life. Forever! A long time, at least. And for a few weeks now I've been able to tell myself that I actually deserve a wonderful life and can do whatever I want to make that happen. It feels much better. This epiphany was facilitated entirely by Sarah, who convinced me that I could choose to be happy instead of killing myself. Then I spent several days doing affirmations in the mirror. Also Sarah's idea. "I love you Galen, and I love that you are part gay!" and assorted variations. Embarrassing, but effective.

Sarah has had a lot of good ideas regarding how to make my life more wonderful. It is a fact I often ignore, but that deserves more discussion on this blog. Could patriarchy have anything to do with my resistance to good ideas? I'll get back to that sometime soon.

I'm taking a flamenco dance class. Trying to do things I'm not good at. Hoping to build up the kind of self-esteem that allows me to suck at things and still have fun and improve and avoid a meltdown the minute something doesn't go "right." Also hoping that it gets me more connected to my body. "I love you Galen, and I love that you are a sensual person!" That is a hard one to say in the mirror.

Okay. Abrupt ending. Goodnight.