I mean that I'm sexually attracted to men and women. I guess that means I am, in the parlance of our times, bisexual, but I'm not crazy about that term. I don't really like its either/or connotations, and it feels clinical and unimaginative. I like the idea of being able to invent your own gender and just be whatever you are. So I say I'm part gay. I also like the word queer. Or gender-fluid, which I recently learned from Sarah.
Part gay also just sounds kind of funny, and I find it's easier to start a conversation with, "Did you know that I'm part gay?" than "Did you know that I'm bisexual?" Sarah suggested it was because I'm charming and pretty good at making people feel comfortable in social situations. I guess part gay is pretty vague and people can either find out more from me or keep it at whatever distance feels okay to them. I don't know. Bisexual leaves less to the imagination, I suppose.
I often use vagueness as a strategy to avoid looking at unflattering things about myself, a fact unsurprisingly brought to my attention by Sarah. I can see this at work in my half baked gender identity and politics. I'm embarrassed of not having everything sorted out, so instead of just saying something I believe right now and giving myself permission to change it later, I couch everything in language that's not specific. Better to not say anything than to say it "wrong." So I guess my goal is to speak more specifically.
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I'm trying to speak specifically too. It seems a little different... I can be precise when I want to, but with some people I still try to talk without talking. Half-stuck. It's helpful to see other people write about things like that, even when it is you and we talk about it at home anyway. So thanks, friendo!
I think I'm so pent up that I'll have to be spazzy for quite awhile before I can start being charming. I'm trying to consider that a feature rather than a bug.
I say part-gay is a-okay! I would also like to share that I have also resisted naming my sexuality in specific terms, but it's based on the fact that the language and categories we have to work with are based in the two-gender, hetero system which is all based in upholding colonialism (from my perspective). So the only way that I've been able to use terms that actually fit for me is to resist ones that uphold mainstream concepts of gender and sexuality. This is why I have also refused to use the term bisexual. I also identify with your desire to be more vocal or to verbalize things in a way that is more accurate. It's tricky though, which is sometimes why I think artistic expression is so much more powerful than language. Like what if you could do a movement that represented your sexuality rather than choosing a term based in the English language?
PS. I think it's funny that two Sarah's are commenting on your blog. Will people think we are really one person?
Thanks for the comments Sarah and Sarah! I'm down with spazziness as a feature. And I'm also into finding a way of expressing myself and my sexuality that doesn't reinforce two-gender, hetero mainstream sexuality and colonialism. Sarah's been reading Gender Outlaw lately and bits of that have been getting through to me. Sounds like a pretty great book with lots of ideas about undoing oppressive and limiting gender roles. I look forward to reading it.
Hello Galen & Sarahs!
This sexuality-labelling thing is something I think about lots. And get asked about lots. (Both "How do you identify?" and "What words can I use to identify?")
I know people that use "pansexual", which is think is kind of fun, but kind of makes me wonder if it would be fun just to use "sexual". I'm a fan of "queer", but I find that most people assume that I'm using it as a synonym for "lesbian", and that doesn't help clarify anything.
This is something I would like to talk more about.
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