A word of warning...

... just in case you are my sister, or someone else who might not want to know more about my sexuality. This is that kind of post, and I'm happy for you to read, not read, talk to me about it or ignore it altogether. Just be yourself!

Okay! Every day I am more aware of how deeply my life has been affected by patriarchal values. The last few days I've been thinking particularly about sexuality. A very deep well of patriarchal values indeed. John Stoltenberg's book The End Of Manhood has been a useful resource for me lately.

It's hard to pick out a short section that makes its point without the need for a long explanation of his terminology. His basic premise throughout the book is that males can choose to relate to the world from their "manhood" (a competitive, hierarchical, oppressive, denial-based set of values) or from their "selfhood" (a collaborative, egalitarian, nurturing view of ourselves and the world). Anyway, here's an example from the section titled A Personal Checklist of Some Ways to Tell Whether Your Sexual Feelings Are Occurring in Selfhood Mode or in Manhood Mode.

You may be feeling sexual as your selfhood "I" if there has been beholding between you. You have been a witness to each other's subjectivity. You have recognized yourselves as two subjects, two whole human beings.

You may be feeling sexual as your manhood "I" if there has been objectification. Although one of you may have seemed to regard yourself as a subject, one of you was definitely regarded as an object. (Whenever someone in a sexual relationship is regarded as an object, whether willingly or not, they tend to become situated as ownable. This can present a problem if they later presume to assert themselves equally as a full human subject. For the sexual owner, such assertion presents relational difficulties - it turns him off. Sexual objectification only works so long as it turns on the owner, which may be contingent on various market factors - youth, beauty, etc. - but it becomes inoperative immediately whenever the ownable is incompliant about being regarded as closer to nobody.)

This is where it gets hard for me to write. My inner predator is telling me not to look at my patriarchal sexuality, but I think that if I look at it and write about it, I can grow past all its limitations and make my life more wonderful. Hooray!

So, yeah, my sexuality is almost always in manhood mode - selfish, manipulative, competitive, insecure, seriously unconscious. This causes major difficulties when it comes to having fun and sexy and emotionally connected times with my partner. Until recently, my strategy has been to ignore the problem and vent sexual energy by masturbating to fantasies that reinforce patriarchal ideals of sexuality. And then ignore the impact of that behavior, too. (I can't quite believe that I'm really going to publish a post detailing my problematic masturbation habits. Far out...)

So, without getting into the nitty gritty grit of it all, I'll just say that the real problem I see with these fantasies is the way they affirm the "two" ways of patriarchal sexuality. You're doing something or you have something done to you. You're dominant or you're submissive. Very binary.

I'm tired of performing sexuality this way. It's not sexy and it doesn't reflect my values. Right now, I'm abstaining from masturbating until I feel more confident and comfortable with my motivations. I'm excited about broadening my sexual horizons - real life and fantasy - to include the whole range of feelings, sensations and thoughts that I know are in me somewhere.

Thanks for reading.

What have I done for myself lately?

Okay. A month between posts is a little much. Here are some things I've done lately.

I went to a feminist men's consciousness raising group. Not only that, but I provided a reading and facilitated a discussion. And not only that, but I emailed my man friends and invited them to come. None of them did, which, to be honest, was something of a relief. Thinking about that now makes me feel a little sad about the seriously deep fear I have about revealing myself to others, especially men. And despite my relief, I guess I am a little bummed out that nobody took me up on the invite. Unpacking patriarchal damage and privilege is a little lonely right now.

I watched Milk and partook in a post-movie discussion where I put my listening skills to good use. Meaning I didn't say anything. Which I feel okay about. I struggle with expressing myself, but I know there are times when it's more useful for me to just listen and learn about some new ideas from folks who have been thinking about certain things a lot longer than I have.

I went to my flamenco dance classes. And I bought dancing shoes. I thought a dance class would help me inhabit my body in a more sensual way. I often think of my body in terms of fitness, toughness, hardness etc. I'm trying to let go of my ideal of a superhero physique. I think I want physical fitness that is appropriate to my real life. I really enjoy riding my bike and playing soccer. I'd like to be fit enought to do those things. And I'd like to be able to stand on my hands for... I don't know, five minutes. And it's okay if I don't end up with wildly toned abs.

So! There's some of my life. I will try to post more regularly in the future.