A word of warning...

... just in case you are my sister, or someone else who might not want to know more about my sexuality. This is that kind of post, and I'm happy for you to read, not read, talk to me about it or ignore it altogether. Just be yourself!

Okay! Every day I am more aware of how deeply my life has been affected by patriarchal values. The last few days I've been thinking particularly about sexuality. A very deep well of patriarchal values indeed. John Stoltenberg's book The End Of Manhood has been a useful resource for me lately.

It's hard to pick out a short section that makes its point without the need for a long explanation of his terminology. His basic premise throughout the book is that males can choose to relate to the world from their "manhood" (a competitive, hierarchical, oppressive, denial-based set of values) or from their "selfhood" (a collaborative, egalitarian, nurturing view of ourselves and the world). Anyway, here's an example from the section titled A Personal Checklist of Some Ways to Tell Whether Your Sexual Feelings Are Occurring in Selfhood Mode or in Manhood Mode.

You may be feeling sexual as your selfhood "I" if there has been beholding between you. You have been a witness to each other's subjectivity. You have recognized yourselves as two subjects, two whole human beings.

You may be feeling sexual as your manhood "I" if there has been objectification. Although one of you may have seemed to regard yourself as a subject, one of you was definitely regarded as an object. (Whenever someone in a sexual relationship is regarded as an object, whether willingly or not, they tend to become situated as ownable. This can present a problem if they later presume to assert themselves equally as a full human subject. For the sexual owner, such assertion presents relational difficulties - it turns him off. Sexual objectification only works so long as it turns on the owner, which may be contingent on various market factors - youth, beauty, etc. - but it becomes inoperative immediately whenever the ownable is incompliant about being regarded as closer to nobody.)

This is where it gets hard for me to write. My inner predator is telling me not to look at my patriarchal sexuality, but I think that if I look at it and write about it, I can grow past all its limitations and make my life more wonderful. Hooray!

So, yeah, my sexuality is almost always in manhood mode - selfish, manipulative, competitive, insecure, seriously unconscious. This causes major difficulties when it comes to having fun and sexy and emotionally connected times with my partner. Until recently, my strategy has been to ignore the problem and vent sexual energy by masturbating to fantasies that reinforce patriarchal ideals of sexuality. And then ignore the impact of that behavior, too. (I can't quite believe that I'm really going to publish a post detailing my problematic masturbation habits. Far out...)

So, without getting into the nitty gritty grit of it all, I'll just say that the real problem I see with these fantasies is the way they affirm the "two" ways of patriarchal sexuality. You're doing something or you have something done to you. You're dominant or you're submissive. Very binary.

I'm tired of performing sexuality this way. It's not sexy and it doesn't reflect my values. Right now, I'm abstaining from masturbating until I feel more confident and comfortable with my motivations. I'm excited about broadening my sexual horizons - real life and fantasy - to include the whole range of feelings, sensations and thoughts that I know are in me somewhere.

Thanks for reading.