highly recommended

Terrence Real is really speaking to me this morning. How Can I Get Through To You is an excellent resource as I work on developing relational skills like receptivity, flexibility and empathy. I have a tendency to assume that everyone already knows everything and I'm the last one to figure stuff out. I feel a lot less lonely after reading the first chapter.

I appreciate that he addresses how patriarchal society shapes relationships. A lot of books seem to leave it at, "Oh, men and women are just so different! But here's a trick to help you work around that."

denial

Do you feel your partner is forever putting his or her own needs first?

Do you find yourself asking "What am I getting out of this relationship?"

Do you often admit to yourself that you feel profoundly helpless, disempowered and often on edge with your partner?

These questions are asked by the back of a book I found on the kitchen table this morning, Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. I was shocked! And yet it all seemed so familiar.

Probably because my partner has tried to have this same conversation with me a hundred times already, with results ranging from half-hearted promises of improvement to total denial of the problem and her feelings.

I really hate to admit that I make mistakes. And I'm good at ignoring my faults. I'm trying to keep myself "safe" and it's ruining my relationship. This feels like patriarchal behavior.

I'm writing here to remind myself that there is a path of more relatedness and aliveness that I could take.

a helpful definition

Sometimes all I can think to say about patriarchy is that it is the shit that fucks shit up. You know?

Here is a quote from Terrence Real that better explains one aspect of it:

Psychological patriarchy is the dynamic between those qualities deemed "masculine" and "feminine" in which half of our human traits are exalted while the half is devalued. Both men and women participate in this tortured value system. Psychological patriarchy is a "dance of contempt," a perverse form of connection that replaces true intimacy with complex, covert, layers of dominance and submission, collusion, and manipulation. It is the unacknowledged paradigm of relationship that has suffused Western civilization generation after generation, deforming both sexes and destroying the passionate bond between them.

That's from the introduction of How Can I Get Through to You. I think I will like this book. I'd also like to read something about how the patriarchy affects gay or transgendered people. Most of what I've read is fairly hetero oriented. I'd like to become a more well rounded ally.

Also! Five business days of blogging! In a row! I'm celebrating by going to work.

dudes and sex

This is another quote I can relate to regarding sexuality. Steve Bearman writes in his essay Why Men Are So Obsessed With Sex:

Directly and indirectly, we are handed sexuality as the one vehicle through which it might still be possible to express and experience essential aspects of our humanness that have been slowly and systematically conditioned out of us. Sex was, and is, presented as the road to real intimacy, complete closeness, as the arena in which it is okay to openly love, to be tender and vulnerable and yet remain safe, to not feel so deeply alone. Sex is the one place sensuality seems to be permissible, where we can be gentle with our own bodies and allow ourselves our overflowing passion. This is why men are so obsessed with sex... But in no way can sex completely fulfill these needs. Such needs can only be fulfilled by healing from the effects of male conditioning and suffusing every area of our lives with relatedness and aliveness.

I like the idea of more aliveness in my life. I struggle with a feeling that there is a right way to do sexuality. It's getting easier to say that's bullshit and I can do it however I want.

righteousness

So! In order to make it in a patriarchal society, I've toned down, cut off or ignored many aspects of myself. I've noticed recently that I'm only capable of feeling loved (or worth loving) when I think I am "right."

Being "right" is, I think, the only safe place for a patriarchal person. It's funny because it looks like I'm being strong by being right, but really I'm dependent on everyone saying I'm right.

I'm remembering reading about how patriarchy disconnects us from our innate sense of self worth and places us in competition with each other. John Stoltenberg's The End Of Manhood has some good writing on this idea. He explains manhood as a vertical model where there's always someone above or below us and the only way to get more manhood is by climbing higher on this never ending wall. That's how you know you're a man!

This post is really getting away from me. Anyway, most of the world seems set up to tell men (white ones in particular) that we're right. I'm interested in what happens if I make room in my mind for other people to be right.

strong men also pout

Ah, indeed they do. I was wondering what to write today. Seems that if I can string together twelve hours of even the most basic responsibility for my feelings, I start thinking that I'm "done" and that twenty nine years of living in a patriarchal society have left me mercifully unscathed. That's possible, right?

Anyway, here's a behavior that I attribute to the patriarchy: the pout! This is when my partner has a legitimate criticism of something I've done that hurts her feelings or makes her feel unsafe. Rather than working to understand her and changing my behavior, I'll do this big song and dance about how sorry I am and how bad I feel that I did this and that and before I know it she's taking care of me again. I continue to assume that other people will do the emotional work of my relationships for me. And if they don't I can manipulate them into doing it.

She's been wise to this strategy for a long time now, but I'm only recently seeing that in addition to it being totally unfair to her, it's also making me miserable. Depending on someone else to sort out my emotions leaves me feeling like a stranger to myself when I'm alone.

something about sex

One reason I started writing this was to keep myself thinking about sexuality. I feel like my definition of erotic is limited to specific sexual acts and has very little to do with emotions or creativity. I found this quote by Frank Browning inspiring:

By erotic, I mean all the powerful attractions we might have: for mentoring and being mentored, for unrealized flirtation, for intellectual tripping, for sweaty mateship at play or at work, for spiritual ecstasy, for being held in silent grief, for explosive rage at a common enemy, for the sublime love of friendship.

My understanding of patriarchy is that it pits us against each other and against an imaginary ideal of the right way to do things in society. Especially regarding sexuality. I feel self worth measured by sexual "prowess." I feel in competition with the woman I hear having (or seeming to have) orgasms in the apartment upstairs. Like if I'm not having one at the exact same moment somebody's getting ahead of me. It's crazy.

I'm not satisfied with doing sexuality in a patriarchal, competitive, hetero-normative way. I'm working to overcome my fears of failure and rejection. I'm learning to be more aware of the erotic possibilities that I have ignored for so long. It's FUN. Actually, I feel really sad having just written that. I'll follow up on that thought tomorrow.

Where did I get this awesome title for my blog?

From the modern classic by bell hooks! It's inspirational, easy to read and full of hot tips for anyone who might be trying to figure out what's underneath all that patriarchal damage/privilege.