something about sex

One reason I started writing this was to keep myself thinking about sexuality. I feel like my definition of erotic is limited to specific sexual acts and has very little to do with emotions or creativity. I found this quote by Frank Browning inspiring:

By erotic, I mean all the powerful attractions we might have: for mentoring and being mentored, for unrealized flirtation, for intellectual tripping, for sweaty mateship at play or at work, for spiritual ecstasy, for being held in silent grief, for explosive rage at a common enemy, for the sublime love of friendship.

My understanding of patriarchy is that it pits us against each other and against an imaginary ideal of the right way to do things in society. Especially regarding sexuality. I feel self worth measured by sexual "prowess." I feel in competition with the woman I hear having (or seeming to have) orgasms in the apartment upstairs. Like if I'm not having one at the exact same moment somebody's getting ahead of me. It's crazy.

I'm not satisfied with doing sexuality in a patriarchal, competitive, hetero-normative way. I'm working to overcome my fears of failure and rejection. I'm learning to be more aware of the erotic possibilities that I have ignored for so long. It's FUN. Actually, I feel really sad having just written that. I'll follow up on that thought tomorrow.