The thing I seem to be most lacking in all of this is some sort of skill for actual self improvement. The will to change, right? Real, concrete steps to change hurtful, distancing behaviors into something I can be proud of.
It might seem obvious to everyone else, but I'm only just realizing that I need to know what my goal is if I'm ever going to get there. I'm thinking I should be able to answer this question, because it's me right? I should know. And I think I do, but I write myself off by saying that I don't know and then doing a big thing about why I don't know. And that wastes time and distracts me.
I am very unwilling to say what I know. I know I want equality in my relationships. I know I want sexual fulfillment. I want creativity in my life. I want honesty. I want to be loved and to be loving. And I guess now I just have to act that way.
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