a vague sense of dominance

I notice that being vague is a strategy of patriarchal dominance that I use. By refusing to use specifics I can hedge my bets and allow myself a wide variety of excuses if somebody thinks whatever I've done is wrong. I can say it's all a misunderstanding and I'm right after all.

It happens when I'm listening too. I have an enormous capacity to interpret specific requests in the broadest of terms, allowing myself to think that I'm responding without actually changing my behavior at all.

What really makes me crazy is how unconscious and consistent these behaviors are. I do this stuff all the time. Part of my behavior I attribute to the patriarchal conditioning that has left me feeling like the world will continue to revolve around me no matter what I do. Another part of it is a real disconnection from any sense of self worth.

I'm obsessed with external validation. I want to be impressive and have people tell me I'm awesome. But a large part of me refuses to believe that I could ever be awesome. So instead of relating to people honestly and with confidence, I'm relating to people as if I need to trick them into liking me. And I trick them by putting on this ridiculous show of perfection and wisdom and confidence and humor that is so far removed from any real feeling, and yet acted out with such conviction...

And if someone were to say, "You're acting strange. What's going on in there?" it would all collapse and I wouldn't be able to explain any of it.