solutions

Here's what I want to work on: problem solving. Those two words have so many triggers for me. I see them and think, "I can't solve problems. I don't know how. It's really important and I'll fuck it up and look stupid. And I must be stupid because it's supposed to be easy."

Wow! That's more than I thought would be in there. I'm good at speculating on a problem's roots, but at some point I think I have to start looking for solutions or I'll just go crazy thinking about the massive momentum that a problem has built up in my mind over the years.

I'm trying to train myself to look for ways to change things. If I'm not happy with something, what can I do right now that makes a difference? I have a feeling that there are always options open to me, but I ignore them because I'm afraid of looking stupid.

little steps

The thing I seem to be most lacking in all of this is some sort of skill for actual self improvement. The will to change, right? Real, concrete steps to change hurtful, distancing behaviors into something I can be proud of.

It might seem obvious to everyone else, but I'm only just realizing that I need to know what my goal is if I'm ever going to get there. I'm thinking I should be able to answer this question, because it's me right? I should know. And I think I do, but I write myself off by saying that I don't know and then doing a big thing about why I don't know. And that wastes time and distracts me.

I am very unwilling to say what I know. I know I want equality in my relationships. I know I want sexual fulfillment. I want creativity in my life. I want honesty. I want to be loved and to be loving. And I guess now I just have to act that way.

who cares?

Sarah takes care of the plants in our house. My only real job has been to carry the one enormous jade plant to the shower every two or three weeks. Obviously, I benefit from having attractive and healthy plants around. They can really tie a room together.

There are a number of similar instances in my life where I avoid work by claiming not to care about the result but then reap the rewards of another person's labour. I don't really seem to get it about an equal division of work.

I pretty much demand that any work I do around the house is met with an equal amount from Sarah, yet I continue to ignore whole realms of labour, especially things that are fun (potting plants, for example) and even more so things like planning, communicating and basically maintaining the relationship. All that stuff is a lot of work and I do a very small fraction of it.

I feel trained as a man not to care about my surroundings, to be self-reliant, a term that strikes me as hilarious right now considering that the amount of independence I feel is equal to my level of numbness and ignorance of my feelings. It's easy to meet your needs when you don't appear to have any. I'm completely unable to rely on myself because so often I don't even know myself.

I'm worried that the last part doesn't make any sense.

progress

Last night I actually noticed and was the first to say something about my patriarchal behavior! Miracle of miracles!

Sarah and I had been talking about packing up some magazines to get rid of and she'd been very clear about her concerns regarding their weight and protecting them from rain. And then not ten minutes later I'm just stuffing them into bags and not even thinking to ask her what she had in mind. And I actually noticed it while it was happening and said something. Usually Sarah has to notice it and then I get all defensive and it takes me an hour to admit that I didn't listen to her. Which is pretty fun for both of us.

It feels like a very small bit of progress.

hitting a bit of a wall

I'm feeling like this is where I'd normally stop writing, declare that I've done enough and have reached the limits of self improvement. I'm scared of what it's really going to take to dismantle patriarchy in my life.

All of a sudden it seems like so much work. I thought that if I simply stated my intentions the work would just get done. Ha ha ha ha ha haha hahah hahah hhaaaah ha ha ha haa .......?

I'm realizing how much work other people do for me. It's a shitload. Of work. But this is kind of cool because once I realize that somebody's doing the work, it's easier to see myself doing the work.

the weekend

I'm feeling very out of focus this morning.

I need some sort of reminder to be myself. I spent all weekend being quiet and ignoring things because I was afraid of looking weird while visiting Sarah's family. Maybe I just need to ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

They could think that I'm judging them. Then they would resent me. But they wouldn't say anything. And the visit would be miserable. Or I could just be miserable by myself.

How many times will I come to the conclusion that it's better to just be present and honest with my feelings instead of forestalling some terrible imagined outcome?

it's my birthday

So I'm taking a day off.

a vague sense of dominance

I notice that being vague is a strategy of patriarchal dominance that I use. By refusing to use specifics I can hedge my bets and allow myself a wide variety of excuses if somebody thinks whatever I've done is wrong. I can say it's all a misunderstanding and I'm right after all.

It happens when I'm listening too. I have an enormous capacity to interpret specific requests in the broadest of terms, allowing myself to think that I'm responding without actually changing my behavior at all.

What really makes me crazy is how unconscious and consistent these behaviors are. I do this stuff all the time. Part of my behavior I attribute to the patriarchal conditioning that has left me feeling like the world will continue to revolve around me no matter what I do. Another part of it is a real disconnection from any sense of self worth.

I'm obsessed with external validation. I want to be impressive and have people tell me I'm awesome. But a large part of me refuses to believe that I could ever be awesome. So instead of relating to people honestly and with confidence, I'm relating to people as if I need to trick them into liking me. And I trick them by putting on this ridiculous show of perfection and wisdom and confidence and humor that is so far removed from any real feeling, and yet acted out with such conviction...

And if someone were to say, "You're acting strange. What's going on in there?" it would all collapse and I wouldn't be able to explain any of it.

hot tips

I've had a couple suggestions for the blog recently. Number one: recipes. Right? People love them. In the coming weeks I will post my famous recipe for refried beans. They are delicious.

Number two: write about the ways I succeed in dismantling the patriarchy. I like this suggestion.

Here's a strategy that comes courtesy of Sarah. I've found it useful for dealing with patriarchal pouting. When I'm feeling paralyzed by self pity and/or loathing and have know idea what to do because I'm thinking that there is some magical right thing to say and if only I could find it it would fix everything... When I'm thinking like that all I have to do is start paying attention to her. I usually find that what she's wanting most is an emotional connection between us. And if she wants to be connected, that must mean she likes me. And that must mean I'm worth liking. And so I start to like myself better. And then I can start to get present with my feelings and actually relate to her.

The one downside to this is that it reinforces my need for external validation. I only start loving myself when someone says I'm lovable. I'm working on that.