no title today

I'm interested in writing again. For a few weeks I was pretty overwhelmed. What will people think when they read this? How stupid will I look when it all comes out that I don't know what I'm doing etc? My solution was denial. I have strong tendencies to forget about patriarchy and its influence in my life. Looking back on this brief cycle of excitement-fear-shame-apathy, it seems so clear how much societal pressure there is to keep our feelings and ideas to ourselves.

To reference Terrence Real for something like the tenth time, somewhere in his book How Can I Get Through To You he makes the case that it is not permissible to tell the truth about men. I think this is true. I've felt my own instincts to silence myself and others. I should probably buy that book.

I went to a consciousness raising group for feminist men last night. It was a real relief to talk about some of this stuff with other folks. Good to be reminded that there are other men interested in getting to the bottom of this stuff.

solutions

Here's what I want to work on: problem solving. Those two words have so many triggers for me. I see them and think, "I can't solve problems. I don't know how. It's really important and I'll fuck it up and look stupid. And I must be stupid because it's supposed to be easy."

Wow! That's more than I thought would be in there. I'm good at speculating on a problem's roots, but at some point I think I have to start looking for solutions or I'll just go crazy thinking about the massive momentum that a problem has built up in my mind over the years.

I'm trying to train myself to look for ways to change things. If I'm not happy with something, what can I do right now that makes a difference? I have a feeling that there are always options open to me, but I ignore them because I'm afraid of looking stupid.

little steps

The thing I seem to be most lacking in all of this is some sort of skill for actual self improvement. The will to change, right? Real, concrete steps to change hurtful, distancing behaviors into something I can be proud of.

It might seem obvious to everyone else, but I'm only just realizing that I need to know what my goal is if I'm ever going to get there. I'm thinking I should be able to answer this question, because it's me right? I should know. And I think I do, but I write myself off by saying that I don't know and then doing a big thing about why I don't know. And that wastes time and distracts me.

I am very unwilling to say what I know. I know I want equality in my relationships. I know I want sexual fulfillment. I want creativity in my life. I want honesty. I want to be loved and to be loving. And I guess now I just have to act that way.

who cares?

Sarah takes care of the plants in our house. My only real job has been to carry the one enormous jade plant to the shower every two or three weeks. Obviously, I benefit from having attractive and healthy plants around. They can really tie a room together.

There are a number of similar instances in my life where I avoid work by claiming not to care about the result but then reap the rewards of another person's labour. I don't really seem to get it about an equal division of work.

I pretty much demand that any work I do around the house is met with an equal amount from Sarah, yet I continue to ignore whole realms of labour, especially things that are fun (potting plants, for example) and even more so things like planning, communicating and basically maintaining the relationship. All that stuff is a lot of work and I do a very small fraction of it.

I feel trained as a man not to care about my surroundings, to be self-reliant, a term that strikes me as hilarious right now considering that the amount of independence I feel is equal to my level of numbness and ignorance of my feelings. It's easy to meet your needs when you don't appear to have any. I'm completely unable to rely on myself because so often I don't even know myself.

I'm worried that the last part doesn't make any sense.

progress

Last night I actually noticed and was the first to say something about my patriarchal behavior! Miracle of miracles!

Sarah and I had been talking about packing up some magazines to get rid of and she'd been very clear about her concerns regarding their weight and protecting them from rain. And then not ten minutes later I'm just stuffing them into bags and not even thinking to ask her what she had in mind. And I actually noticed it while it was happening and said something. Usually Sarah has to notice it and then I get all defensive and it takes me an hour to admit that I didn't listen to her. Which is pretty fun for both of us.

It feels like a very small bit of progress.

hitting a bit of a wall

I'm feeling like this is where I'd normally stop writing, declare that I've done enough and have reached the limits of self improvement. I'm scared of what it's really going to take to dismantle patriarchy in my life.

All of a sudden it seems like so much work. I thought that if I simply stated my intentions the work would just get done. Ha ha ha ha ha haha hahah hahah hhaaaah ha ha ha haa .......?

I'm realizing how much work other people do for me. It's a shitload. Of work. But this is kind of cool because once I realize that somebody's doing the work, it's easier to see myself doing the work.

the weekend

I'm feeling very out of focus this morning.

I need some sort of reminder to be myself. I spent all weekend being quiet and ignoring things because I was afraid of looking weird while visiting Sarah's family. Maybe I just need to ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

They could think that I'm judging them. Then they would resent me. But they wouldn't say anything. And the visit would be miserable. Or I could just be miserable by myself.

How many times will I come to the conclusion that it's better to just be present and honest with my feelings instead of forestalling some terrible imagined outcome?

it's my birthday

So I'm taking a day off.

a vague sense of dominance

I notice that being vague is a strategy of patriarchal dominance that I use. By refusing to use specifics I can hedge my bets and allow myself a wide variety of excuses if somebody thinks whatever I've done is wrong. I can say it's all a misunderstanding and I'm right after all.

It happens when I'm listening too. I have an enormous capacity to interpret specific requests in the broadest of terms, allowing myself to think that I'm responding without actually changing my behavior at all.

What really makes me crazy is how unconscious and consistent these behaviors are. I do this stuff all the time. Part of my behavior I attribute to the patriarchal conditioning that has left me feeling like the world will continue to revolve around me no matter what I do. Another part of it is a real disconnection from any sense of self worth.

I'm obsessed with external validation. I want to be impressive and have people tell me I'm awesome. But a large part of me refuses to believe that I could ever be awesome. So instead of relating to people honestly and with confidence, I'm relating to people as if I need to trick them into liking me. And I trick them by putting on this ridiculous show of perfection and wisdom and confidence and humor that is so far removed from any real feeling, and yet acted out with such conviction...

And if someone were to say, "You're acting strange. What's going on in there?" it would all collapse and I wouldn't be able to explain any of it.

hot tips

I've had a couple suggestions for the blog recently. Number one: recipes. Right? People love them. In the coming weeks I will post my famous recipe for refried beans. They are delicious.

Number two: write about the ways I succeed in dismantling the patriarchy. I like this suggestion.

Here's a strategy that comes courtesy of Sarah. I've found it useful for dealing with patriarchal pouting. When I'm feeling paralyzed by self pity and/or loathing and have know idea what to do because I'm thinking that there is some magical right thing to say and if only I could find it it would fix everything... When I'm thinking like that all I have to do is start paying attention to her. I usually find that what she's wanting most is an emotional connection between us. And if she wants to be connected, that must mean she likes me. And that must mean I'm worth liking. And so I start to like myself better. And then I can start to get present with my feelings and actually relate to her.

The one downside to this is that it reinforces my need for external validation. I only start loving myself when someone says I'm lovable. I'm working on that.

highly recommended

Terrence Real is really speaking to me this morning. How Can I Get Through To You is an excellent resource as I work on developing relational skills like receptivity, flexibility and empathy. I have a tendency to assume that everyone already knows everything and I'm the last one to figure stuff out. I feel a lot less lonely after reading the first chapter.

I appreciate that he addresses how patriarchal society shapes relationships. A lot of books seem to leave it at, "Oh, men and women are just so different! But here's a trick to help you work around that."

denial

Do you feel your partner is forever putting his or her own needs first?

Do you find yourself asking "What am I getting out of this relationship?"

Do you often admit to yourself that you feel profoundly helpless, disempowered and often on edge with your partner?

These questions are asked by the back of a book I found on the kitchen table this morning, Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. I was shocked! And yet it all seemed so familiar.

Probably because my partner has tried to have this same conversation with me a hundred times already, with results ranging from half-hearted promises of improvement to total denial of the problem and her feelings.

I really hate to admit that I make mistakes. And I'm good at ignoring my faults. I'm trying to keep myself "safe" and it's ruining my relationship. This feels like patriarchal behavior.

I'm writing here to remind myself that there is a path of more relatedness and aliveness that I could take.

a helpful definition

Sometimes all I can think to say about patriarchy is that it is the shit that fucks shit up. You know?

Here is a quote from Terrence Real that better explains one aspect of it:

Psychological patriarchy is the dynamic between those qualities deemed "masculine" and "feminine" in which half of our human traits are exalted while the half is devalued. Both men and women participate in this tortured value system. Psychological patriarchy is a "dance of contempt," a perverse form of connection that replaces true intimacy with complex, covert, layers of dominance and submission, collusion, and manipulation. It is the unacknowledged paradigm of relationship that has suffused Western civilization generation after generation, deforming both sexes and destroying the passionate bond between them.

That's from the introduction of How Can I Get Through to You. I think I will like this book. I'd also like to read something about how the patriarchy affects gay or transgendered people. Most of what I've read is fairly hetero oriented. I'd like to become a more well rounded ally.

Also! Five business days of blogging! In a row! I'm celebrating by going to work.

dudes and sex

This is another quote I can relate to regarding sexuality. Steve Bearman writes in his essay Why Men Are So Obsessed With Sex:

Directly and indirectly, we are handed sexuality as the one vehicle through which it might still be possible to express and experience essential aspects of our humanness that have been slowly and systematically conditioned out of us. Sex was, and is, presented as the road to real intimacy, complete closeness, as the arena in which it is okay to openly love, to be tender and vulnerable and yet remain safe, to not feel so deeply alone. Sex is the one place sensuality seems to be permissible, where we can be gentle with our own bodies and allow ourselves our overflowing passion. This is why men are so obsessed with sex... But in no way can sex completely fulfill these needs. Such needs can only be fulfilled by healing from the effects of male conditioning and suffusing every area of our lives with relatedness and aliveness.

I like the idea of more aliveness in my life. I struggle with a feeling that there is a right way to do sexuality. It's getting easier to say that's bullshit and I can do it however I want.

righteousness

So! In order to make it in a patriarchal society, I've toned down, cut off or ignored many aspects of myself. I've noticed recently that I'm only capable of feeling loved (or worth loving) when I think I am "right."

Being "right" is, I think, the only safe place for a patriarchal person. It's funny because it looks like I'm being strong by being right, but really I'm dependent on everyone saying I'm right.

I'm remembering reading about how patriarchy disconnects us from our innate sense of self worth and places us in competition with each other. John Stoltenberg's The End Of Manhood has some good writing on this idea. He explains manhood as a vertical model where there's always someone above or below us and the only way to get more manhood is by climbing higher on this never ending wall. That's how you know you're a man!

This post is really getting away from me. Anyway, most of the world seems set up to tell men (white ones in particular) that we're right. I'm interested in what happens if I make room in my mind for other people to be right.

strong men also pout

Ah, indeed they do. I was wondering what to write today. Seems that if I can string together twelve hours of even the most basic responsibility for my feelings, I start thinking that I'm "done" and that twenty nine years of living in a patriarchal society have left me mercifully unscathed. That's possible, right?

Anyway, here's a behavior that I attribute to the patriarchy: the pout! This is when my partner has a legitimate criticism of something I've done that hurts her feelings or makes her feel unsafe. Rather than working to understand her and changing my behavior, I'll do this big song and dance about how sorry I am and how bad I feel that I did this and that and before I know it she's taking care of me again. I continue to assume that other people will do the emotional work of my relationships for me. And if they don't I can manipulate them into doing it.

She's been wise to this strategy for a long time now, but I'm only recently seeing that in addition to it being totally unfair to her, it's also making me miserable. Depending on someone else to sort out my emotions leaves me feeling like a stranger to myself when I'm alone.

something about sex

One reason I started writing this was to keep myself thinking about sexuality. I feel like my definition of erotic is limited to specific sexual acts and has very little to do with emotions or creativity. I found this quote by Frank Browning inspiring:

By erotic, I mean all the powerful attractions we might have: for mentoring and being mentored, for unrealized flirtation, for intellectual tripping, for sweaty mateship at play or at work, for spiritual ecstasy, for being held in silent grief, for explosive rage at a common enemy, for the sublime love of friendship.

My understanding of patriarchy is that it pits us against each other and against an imaginary ideal of the right way to do things in society. Especially regarding sexuality. I feel self worth measured by sexual "prowess." I feel in competition with the woman I hear having (or seeming to have) orgasms in the apartment upstairs. Like if I'm not having one at the exact same moment somebody's getting ahead of me. It's crazy.

I'm not satisfied with doing sexuality in a patriarchal, competitive, hetero-normative way. I'm working to overcome my fears of failure and rejection. I'm learning to be more aware of the erotic possibilities that I have ignored for so long. It's FUN. Actually, I feel really sad having just written that. I'll follow up on that thought tomorrow.

Where did I get this awesome title for my blog?

From the modern classic by bell hooks! It's inspirational, easy to read and full of hot tips for anyone who might be trying to figure out what's underneath all that patriarchal damage/privilege.